This last semester that I have successfully completed had me studying about defense mechanisms in psychology. Well, little did I know I would soon turn to one.
My mother does not know I have blog!
In fact, no one except a few of my friends know I have a blog.
So, instead of confronting them with the fact that I am a “blogger” since last year, I decided to pour it all out here. Defense mechanism! (I am sure one of my psych teachers would be proud of the real life example I would come up with if this topic is to be discussed in class)
Honestly, the reasons for this discretion are particularly stupid and you all could see this post and read it and have a jolly good laugh about it! I do not care…wish I did and took up measures to prevent this embarrassment but I do not!
My mother is a very simple woman. A woman who has been a good homemaker, a wife and a wonderful mother. She has brought me up providing me the privileges of freedom of choice and expression that she never got when she was my age. However, she also brought me up to be an ideal Indian woman, one that does not wear “too” short clothes, one who stays away from alcohol and cigarettes, one who stays home instead of partying her ass of because it is not in our culture. And honestly, she has succeeded in her efforts. I do not smoke or drink (much). I also happen to suck at socializing and hence no parties as it naturally leads me to stay away from other human beings. I prefer to sit at home and watch a good movie or snuggle up with a good book and wine (someday). But I have experimented with them and my blog is an open passage to my experiences with certain things that have been forbidden to me. My poetry can be pretty grotesque to her and I do not want to shock her with this hidden alter ego of mine though it is hardly one. She might worry that the city life is finally getting to me and might let her motherly instincts overcome her and try her best to “protect” me from all of it.
That being the first reason.
The second reason is she might get the wrong idea about my love life. So silly! I know. Like I said, she is an Indian mother, brought up in a village, married into a household that her parents chose and continues to live her life in hope that her child stays away from boyfriends and the messed up family drama that usually accompanies it and more importantly the eyes of the society that will follow me if I had one. If you guys do not know about this, India does not encourage love. This will probably cause an uproar among the many Indians reading this but I got to say things are changing. I have met cousins who have been really open about their love life with their parents and continues to stay with them! But, my family might be pretty far from it. But again, they must have succeeded somewhere along the line cause I suck at relationships. Left a trail of horrible ones behind me
So when I write about love or anything associated to it, it is very natural if she arrives at the conclusion that her daughter might actually have a boyfriend and this would lead to unnecessary questions and drama. I prefer to stay away from all that.
That being the second reason.
The third one being that my mother would probably faint if she knew I use the word “fuck”. That is right. I mean obviously no mother want their kids to use curse words, but my mother would just be knocked unconscious. I agree to the fact that the meaning of this particular word has been twisted and modified such that hardly people know what it stands for and uses it anyway. On the other hand some people know exactly what it means and prefers to use it in conversations because it just feels so good to abuse using that word. People like me 🙂
So when she will come across that word being mentioned somewhere in my blog, she will just probably ask me to delete that particular post and I would not blame her and will have to listen to her.
So I just gave you three very silly reasons as to why my mother continues to be oblivious to her daughter’s blog. But trust me, as humored as I am with my own reasons, they are reasons. Sometimes when I write a poem or a post, I do want to rush to her, make her read it and get her opinion on it. But I can’t and that kills me sometimes. When she tells me to write or to start a blog, I do want to sometimes look at her and say, ” Look Ma! I do have a blog “. I would never blame her for being the person she is. If I have by any chance portrayed her to be orthodox, she is not! She is actually a very cool mom who has surprised me at different occasions for having really broad minded opinions. She and I are mostly on the same page most of the time and I appreciate her thoughts and her opinions. But there are somethings even experience of exposure to this big bad world can’t change. She has been brought up in such a way and without her being her, I would have never appreciated the culture I am born into or even be the writer I am today.